“When you have clear agreements, everything moves faster. You’re not stepping on each other’s toes, and there’s no need to guess what the other person expects.” – Darren Kanthal
Brief Summary/Overview:
In this episode, we dive deep into the importance of creating clear agreements in both personal relationships and leadership. Whether you’re managing a household, running a business with a partner, or leading a team, clear agreements and boundaries are essential. We discuss how these agreements help build trust, reduce conflict, and ultimately make everything run smoother. Plus, we share some personal stories on how we’ve applied these principles in our own relationships—both at home and in business. Tune in as we break down the power of setting expectations and why it’s a game-changer for relationships and leadership.
Key Takeaways:
- Clear agreements set expectations and reduce assumptions in relationships and business.
- Defined boundaries allow everyone to work more freely within their responsibilities, whether at home or in the workplace.
- Trust is developed over time through keeping promises and showing competence in agreed-upon tasks.
- Clear agreements and boundaries don’t eliminate conflict but significantly reduce misunderstandings.
- When everyone understands their role and what’s expected, it becomes easier to support each other effectively.
Timestamps:
- 0:00 – 2:00: Introduction and the story behind the name Radar Love
- 2:01 – 4:45: The importance of agreements in partnerships and leadership
- 4:46 – 6:00: Darren’s personal story about broken agreements in the Positive Intelligence community
- 6:01 – 8:30: Why clear agreements are critical for trust
- 8:31 – 10:00: How we used Fair Play to create household agreements
- 10:01 – 12:30: Boundaries create freedom in both personal and professional relationships
- 12:31 – 15:00: How trust is developed through keeping agreements
- 15:01 – 18:00: The role of clear boundaries in reducing conflict
- 18:01 – 20:30: Encouraging mutual support by setting clear expectations
- 20:31 – End: Closing thoughts on how agreements and boundaries lead to thriving relationships
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Transcript:
Darren: All right, good morning, Rach.
Rachel: Good morning, Darren. Jesus. This feels really weird. You just left the house.
Darren: Seems very formal, doesn’t it?
Rachel: I know, I haven’t seen you since you left the house. We’re streaming through Riverside to LinkedIn, and there’s a 30-second delay, so I’m waiting for the technology to catch up.
Darren: Okay, it’s catching up now. We’re good. We’re still learning the technology. So, do you want to explain Radar Love?
Rachel: No. Well, not the personal reason, but you know, the song, Radar Love.
Darren: We’ll give the G-rated version. Rachel and I joked about what we’d call our company if we ever joined forces. RA for the first part of her name, DAR from mine, so Radar. We even thought about a radar logo—what’s on your radar? It expanded into some X-rated stuff, but we won’t go there. Today, we’re calling this Radar Love, and we’ll talk about the secret to thriving in relationships and leadership. It’s all centered around agreements.
Rachel: Yeah, we had to learn this the hard way, but now we can teach it to our clients, especially those in family-owned businesses or partnerships like us. Agreements are essential. So, what do we mean by agreements?
Darren: Wait, we have to do the dad joke first.
Rachel: Oh, right, sorry! I jumped the gun. I’m grouchy today. Let’s just get this done!
Darren: Okay, here it is: Why was Tigger in the toilet? Because he was looking for Pooh!
Rachel: I know that one because Leva told us last night.
Darren: Right. Violet told me this morning. Anyway, let me share a real-world story about agreements. So, for context, I’m a certified positive intelligence coach, and I went through the PQ program in 2020 as part of the first cohort. As early investors, we had agreements—both verbal and contractual—that gave us lifetime access under specific terms. Twice in four years, the founder tried changing those agreements. One time, he backed down, but another change is debatable.
This morning, I got an email from someone at Positive Intelligence. They’re trying to materially change the terms, and they’re saying, “Well, we never said that,” playing these games. And, I quote, the guy said, “I can’t do anything about it.” It’s infuriating. They’re eroding the trust built on those agreements, and the only way to make it right is if they rescind the changes.
Rachel: Oof. This has been a long-standing issue for you and the PQ community. I get it, agreements need to evolve sometimes, but when commitments are broken like that, it erodes trust 100%.
Darren: Exactly. Both sides have to agree to changes in a contract. The issue with Positive Intelligence is that they’re making the change unilaterally and then saying, “Deal with it.” They’re almost verbatim saying, “We never told you the agreement wouldn’t evolve.”
Rachel: Yeah, and they made the decision in a silo. That’s the problem.
Darren: Yup, and the trust erodes because of that. It sucks.
Rachel: I’m sorry you’re going through this, but if there’s a positive here, it’s a reminder not to screw over our clients in that way.
Darren: That’s a good takeaway. I could’ve learned it differently, though.
Rachel: So, let’s talk about how we created agreements in our relationship, both personally and professionally.
Darren: For anyone listening, I highly recommend reading Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. It’s a game-changer for couples. The book contains a checklist of household duties. We went through it and assigned tasks to each other—who’s doing what—objectively. And it became clear that Rachel was doing more.
Rachel: Weird! (laughs) But yeah, it was eye-opening for you. We had to create clear agreements around household responsibilities, and it wasn’t just about “taking the birthday party” but managing it from start to finish.
Darren: Exactly. It wasn’t just about showing up to the party with the cake and presents. It was about overseeing the whole process so that one person doesn’t end up doing all the mental work.
Rachel: Right, and without those clear agreements, there would be assumptions and misunderstandings. We’d end up frustrated.
Darren: 100%. That’s why we’ve divided tasks like vacuuming and laundry. You do the vacuuming, I do the laundry, and it’s clear.
Rachel: That brings us to our next point—setting clear boundaries. When you have boundaries, it’s like a fence around a field. People feel free to play within those limits because they know they’re safe.
Darren: Exactly. Boundaries free up mental space because you know who’s responsible for what. That clarity extends to leadership too.
Rachel: Absolutely. It’s about developing trust, and that’s our second point. Trust is built when people follow through on their agreements.
Darren: Integrity and competence go hand in hand with trust. It’s about owning mistakes, too. I’ve shrunk your sweaters, and I had to admit that and learn from it.
Rachel: Trust can erode quickly, but it takes time to rebuild. I’ve had past trust issues, and I dragged those into our relationship. But we’ve had to reset and learn to trust each other.
Darren: Yeah, we’ve both grown in that regard. So, our third point is maximizing time. Clear agreements save time because you’re not stepping on each other’s toes.
Rachel: Exactly. We’ve wasted time on projects because our roles weren’t clear. When you have clear agreements, everything moves faster.
Darren: It’s like the book The Speed of Trust. When there’s trust, everything speeds up. You don’t waste time second-guessing intentions.
Rachel: Reducing conflict is the fourth point. Clear agreements don’t eliminate conflict, but they reduce it. You assume positive intent and avoid unnecessary friction.
Darren: Yes. Even when we argue, I trust that you’re not trying to hurt me. That helps us move forward faster.
Rachel: And finally, the fifth point: encouraging mutual support. Clear agreements create a safe space for open communication and support without micromanaging each other.
Darren: Absolutely. It’s all about trust and clear boundaries. They’re the foundation of any relationship, personal or professional.
Rachel: Exactly. These tools are essential for any relationship. We’re not perfect, but we’ve learned how to repair things quickly. If anyone has questions or wants to share their experiences, drop a comment—we’d love to hear from you!
Darren: Thanks, Rach. That was a nice note to end on.
Rachel: See you all next Tuesday!