We’ve all heard the same feedback about what holds leaders back:
- Avoiding conflict and difficult conversations
- Micro-managing
- Paralysis by analysis
- Over-reliance on tactics rather than strategy
If we all know this to be true, why do we still engage in these behaviors?
That’s the paradox I explore every day through transformational leadership coaching, how seemingly small habits quietly sabotage our growth as leaders.
As a leadership coach, I’ve worked with countless professionals who know what to do, but find themselves stuck repeating the same patterns anyway.
In this blog, I’m going to focus on the top 5 leadership habits that are quietly holding you back, insights I’ve developed over years of working in leadership coaching. And as a hint, these top 5 precede the above. Meaning, the above are symptoms of a bigger problem – and the below is the solution.
#1: You can’t articulate your leadership style and philosophy.
I’m not talking about whether you’re a servant leader, autocratic leader, or transactional leader.
Rather, I’m talking about the very essence of YOUR leadership. Who are you as a leader? What do you care about? What can your team expect from you?
We all have the same tools at our disposal and at the same time, we all apply them in our own unique way. THAT’s what I’m talking about.
Your unique application is what sets you apart from every other leader on the planet.
Yet, I’m willing to bet if someone asked ‘what’s your leadership style and philosophy?’ – you wouldn’t be able to give a concise and articulate answer.
This is the first thing holding you back.
When I provide leadership coaching for C-Suite, Senior, Mid-Level, and even Emerging Leaders, I start with identifying their values. And you can do the same using our proprietary assessment: https://thekanthalgroup.com/core-values-assessment
#2 You don’t have a robust emotional vocabulary
Let me tell you a personal story… Earlier in my life, I seemed to know just two emotions: happiness and anger. I was either laughing and having a good time, or I was pissed off. That was basically it.
However, the joke was on me – those closest to me knew I had a much wider range of emotions. The problem – I didn’t have the vocabulary.
Over time as both a human and a leadership coach, I learned that my anger was sometimes a mask for being hurt, insecure, or disappointed, impatient or anxious.
Point being – I was the boy who cried wolf.. or ‘anger’ as it were. When I was angry or pissed off all the time – it became commonplace. Oh, there’s Darren angry again. Shocker!
It’s a much different story to tell your direct report, colleague, spouse, boss, children, or friend that you’re disappointed in their behavior or how they handled a specific situation vs. I’m angry how this turned out.
When I ask people to rate or assess their emotional vocabulary – most say it’s rather low.
If you’re anything like me, it’s not that you’re unwilling to acknowledge how you’re feeling, you may just lack the emotional vocabulary to do it.
That’s something I regularly see in my work as an executive functioning coach for adults, especially with high-performing professionals who are great at logic but disconnected from emotional nuance.
To remedy that, I’ve compiled a few cheat sheets. Email me at darren@thekanthalgroup.com if you’d like me to send you my favorites.
#3 You haven’t established a culture of debate and buy-in
We’ve all heard the anecdotal story – or watched it play out in real life… sometimes our own.
The leader who says ‘I’m tired of being surrounded by ‘yes’ people! Why won’t anyone give me real feedback?!’
Survey says…. Because when you get real feedback – you don’t take it well. You argue. You retaliate. You raise your voice or you sulk.
Many of us say we’re good at receiving constructive criticism… until we get it.
At The Kanthal Group we have a saying ‘go hard on the problem, soft on the person’.
For many of us delivering or receiving criticism or engaging in disagreement or debate – we attack or feel attacked.
It’s not that the idea won’t work – it’s that you’re an idiot for suggesting it.
That’s the problem! it’s not the criticism in and of itself – it’s our interpretation of it.
This topic is far too meaty to fully address in this blog. Yet, I encourage you to observe and assess the next time you’re personally involved or a spectator of a debate or disagreement.
What defensive mechanisms do you witness?
At what point do you notice raised voices or someone shutting down?
When does the argument seem to devolve from the topic at hand to something much different? Like history (you always do this) or arguing about the way the feedback was delivered instead of the feedback itself.
Bottom line – until you model for your team what effective debate looks like; it’s commonplace for many of us to avoid it.
#4 You don’t know your triggers and how to mitigate them
This is big for me! For much of my earlier career, I was argumentative, expressed a sense of arrogance, got defensive – and sometimes when on the offensive.
What I didn’t learn until 2020 was that I was battling a deep sense of insecurity that I simply wasn’t good enough.
That insecurity reared itself in the face of disagreement and constructive criticism. I took everything personally! Even when the feedback was delivered with the greatest levels of tact, discretion, respect, and courtesy.
For me – I had to learn that I get triggered when someone says I disappointed them, or I didn’t perform at the level they expected – because my internal voice says ‘that’s them realizing you’re not good enough Darren’. Which is ridiculous! It’s a lie my inner judge tells me.
In light of those triggers, I do a lot of self-management and I talk to myself (silently in my head). I remind myself that my self-worth is not entirely tied to this situation. These are the kinds of executive skills I help clients build as an executive functioning coach—learning how to pause, regulate, and respond rather than react. If I made a mistake – it’s ok! I’m human!!
Some of my other coping and mitigation efforts – I ask questions to further understand (I don’t know about you – but when I have unanswered questions, my brain goes crazy coming up with amazingly dramatic answers), I embrace a sense of curiosity, I look around my surroundings with a deep sense of observation noticing colors, shapes, and objects (this is a pro tip to ‘get out of your head’), I breath, and pay close attention to the tone and cadence of my speach. When I’m triggered – I talk fast and loud – and I usually curse more!
#5 Be human!
This seems like it goes without saying and yet – I think many of us forget that the human experience is shared amongst us all irrespective of your status in life.
Even the CEOs at Fortune 100 companies have insecurities, feel alone, don’t know the exact answer, experience personal and professional stress, and fill in the blank. As my HS buddy likes to say ‘we all put our pants on one leg at a time’.
As a leader, let’s agree that you want to instill trust and confidence, you want to lead through motivation and inspiration – and not through fear.
And the very way to do that is to be human.
If you don’t know something – say it! Don’t make shit up just because! Your people will see through that, and in time you’ll erode their trust and confidence in you.
If you and/or your people have a major personal milestone – celebrate it! Give them time off! Whatever it is, be a compassionate human.
And remember the human experience is shared amongst us all.
As the saying goes ‘it’s simple, but it’s not easy’. And with all the above – it’s just that! it’s simple to say ‘just be human’ – until life is moving a million miles an hour, you’re barely keeping up, and your stress levels are through the roof. But then again – if you acknowledge that, let your team know you’re stressed – I’m willing to bet you’ll be surprised with how they’ll be willing to step in and help.
My approach is rooted in transformational leadership coaching, focusing less on surface-level tips and more on understanding and embracing who you are at your core. Once you master that, everything else begins to fall into place.
If any of these habits resonated with you, you’re not alone. These are patterns I encounter in nearly every leadership coaching engagement. Real growth starts with awareness, and when you combine that with support, insight, and accountability, real transformation happens.
Did you like this article? You might also like:
Emotions at Work: Why Great Leaders Don’t “Leave Them at the Door”
Time, Leadership & Sanity: Essential Tools for Today’s Executives
The Leadership Crisis: Who Are You When the Office Lights Go On?
