“You’ll never win by trying to meet someone else’s standards. It’s more important to like yourself for who you are than for others to like you for who you’re not.” – Rachel Leigh
Brief Summary/Overview:
In this episode of The Leadership RaDar, we cut through the noise to explore how defining your leadership style and philosophy can transform your effectiveness. Rachel and Darren dive into the challenges leaders face in establishing their unique leadership identity, staying true to their core values, and avoiding the pitfalls of people-pleasing. We discuss actionable strategies to build trust, communicate transparently, and lead with authenticity—both in the workplace and beyond.
Key Takeaways:
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- Leadership starts with knowing yourself—defining your values and sticking to them.
- Authenticity in leadership removes uncertainty and builds trust with your team.
- Speaking the unspoken fosters clarity, alignment, and stronger professional relationships.
- Self-trust is foundational; leaders must hold themselves accountable to their own values.
- Women often face the challenge of balancing perception with authenticity; leadership isn’t about pleasing everyone.
- Transparent communication and clear expectations are key to earning and maintaining trust.
Timestamps:
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- 0:00 – Welcome and what to expect today.
- 3:00 – The leadership crisis: Finding your style and philosophy.
- 10:30 – Core values: The foundation of effective leadership.
- 18:00 – Authenticity and its impact on trust and team dynamics.
- 24:45 – Speaking the unspoken: Why transparency matters.
- 33:00 – Trust experiments: Setting clear expectations.
- 40:15 – The “Bitch or Bimbo” dilemma: Navigating leadership perceptions.
- 45:00 – Wrap-up and what’s coming next week.
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Transcript:
Rachel:
All right, everybody, welcome to the Leadership RaDar, where we cut through the nonsense and get real about what it takes to lead effectively. As partners in life, Darren and I bring unfiltered insights from our work coaching executives and leaders. Darren, our fearless founder of the Kanthal Group, specializes in transforming executive teams into cohesive, high-performing units. I, as the Chief Operating Officer and an executive leadership coach for high-performing women, help optimize not just their leadership but also their health.
We want you to join us every Tuesday-ish. We say “ish” because we like flexibility. Expect direct, actionable leadership insights, plus one of Darren’s infamous bad dad jokes. Today, we’re discussing five key topics as a leader: your style and philosophy, your values, speaking the unspoken, how to establish trust, and—here’s a fun one—are you a “bitch,” a “bimbo,” or both? Whether you’re leading teams, running organizations, or navigating the complexities of executive leadership, you’ll walk away with practical strategies you can implement immediately.
One quick shameless plug before Darren gives us his joke—check out our new website at thekanthalgroup.com. We’ve spent months working on it, and it’s officially live! Okay, Darren, take it away.
Darren:
All right, bad dad joke. Ready?
Rachel:
Go for it.
Darren:
I just opened three birthday cards, and so far, I’ve got 80 bucks. I love being a postman.
Rachel:
Oh my god.
Darren:
Hahaha.
Rachel:
That took a second. That’s terrible.
Darren:
Yeah.
Rachel:
Wow. Great.
Darren:
Took you a minute to get that one, huh?
Rachel:
Yeah, I had to pause. Sometimes I’m slow to catch on to your jokes. All right, let’s dive in and talk about the leadership crisis. We use that term because so many of our clients and individuals in our circle—leaders—have shared their challenges. We’ve had repeated conversations about the transition from being a doer or implementer in an organization to being a leader.
Darren:
Exactly. Thank you.
Rachel:
It doesn’t come with a playbook. A lot of individuals have to figure out what leadership means for them and how to establish their own identity as leaders. This identity should align with who they are at their core, regardless of the industry or organization they’re in. One of the common themes we discuss with clients is, “What’s my style? What’s my philosophy? What’s the playbook now that I’m in this leadership role?” I’ll let you kick off this one. What are you seeing?
Darren:
That’s quite the setup. In my head, there’s an important piece of context. I’ll share my perspective, then you can fill in. You run with a group of women on Sundays-ish, many of whom are leaders.
Rachel:
Ish.
Darren:
There were two or three Sundays in a row when you came home, and the conversations among the group were about work and leadership challenges. These women weren’t sure how to show up as leaders, whether to speak up or hold their tongues. Some of their decisions left us dumbfounded when we discussed them privately. That’s how the idea of a “leadership crisis” came about—this question of “Who are you as a leader?” That context seemed important for me. Did I capture that?
Rachel:
You did, though I intentionally left it out so they wouldn’t feel like I was throwing them under the bus. Thanks.
Darren:
No one’s getting thrown under the bus. Transitioning from that, over the years, I’ve heard many stories from prospects. Very few leaders explicitly say, “I don’t know my leadership style and philosophy,” but when you read between the lines, that’s often the case. There’s no universal playbook. Some think reading a book or hiring someone like us will provide a perfect framework.
If it were that easy, everyone would be the best leader—read a book, implement it, done. But the real secret sauce to effective leadership, in our opinion, is knowing yourself. What are you about? What’s non-negotiable? How do you show up?
To get tactical—do you expect people to respond to emails at all hours of the day? What does leadership mean to you? Are you a rank-and-file leader? A servant leader? Do you believe in compassion, or do you lack it? These personal traits drive your leadership style and philosophy.
Most leaders I talk to can’t concisely articulate their style or philosophy. They describe various traits but don’t plant a stake in the ground, saying, “This is who I am, this is what I believe, this is my philosophy, and this is how I show up.”
Rachel:
I would agree with that. That’s what we came to on some of these runs—not necessarily an aha moment but a challenge. The challenge I posed was this: Have you sat down and established what you want your leadership style to be? It should be based on your core values and how you can ethically show up for yourself every day within an organization. It should also be something that stands the test of time, so you’re not a shape-shifter depending on the industry, position, or company you’re working with.
Of course, you always have to be conscious of the values of the company. But if you know your own leadership style and values, you can cross-check them against the company’s values to determine if it’s even a good fit for you. That way, you’re not constantly shape-shifting and putting on different outfits depending on the company you’re working for. Instead, you become known as a leader—period—regardless of the industry. You can take that leadership with you no matter where you go.
So, the challenge is: Have you done the work to decide what kind of leader you want to be? When individuals are moved into leadership positions, they’re often given KPIs and expectations, but there’s no real transition support to help them. There’s no one coaching them on the deeper foundational work. That’s where we come in as coaches.
What are your standards? What are your values? Who do you want to be as a leader? What will stand the test of time? What can you wake up feeling good about every day? You don’t want to feel like you’re constantly in friction or spinning your wheels, wondering if you’re doing it the right way or trying to gauge how others expect you to respond.
Rachel:
And frankly, a lot of the women I’ve been speaking with are in that exact spot—they’re unsure. It’s exhausting to expend so much mental energy thinking, “Should I do it this way? Should I do it that way? How would they respond? How does he want us to respond?” Instead, you should always come back to your own philosophy and implement that. Evaluate and iterate as needed, of course.
What do you think?
Darren:
What you’re saying really highlights the power of authenticity. When you’re authentic, there’s no nonsense in the game. You’re not putting up smoke and mirrors or trying to deceive anyone. You’re just being yourself, within whatever margin you need to fit a situation. When you’re authentic, there’s nothing to remember—no, “What did I tell Rachel? What did I tell Bob?” You’re just you.
Another thing I’ve found with leaders is that the more they know their style and philosophy, the more freely they can talk about it. The more they talk about it, the more it becomes exposed and known by everyone else.
For example, if you believe in collaboration, when you’re in a collaborative environment, you can say, “This is exactly my philosophy on collaboration. I want everybody to have a voice.” I’m oversimplifying, but when you openly orate your philosophy, it becomes part of the culture.
Without talking about it, everyone is left to guess—not only others but yourself included.
Rachel:
That’s exactly what I was going to say next. Knowing who you are as a leader and communicating it effectively removes assumptions for everyone around you. When others understand your style, they can decide, “Am I on board with this? Does this work for me?” It eliminates a Jekyll-and-Hyde leadership dynamic.
You become more confident in who you are, reducing uncertainty about how to respond, act, or proceed. The same applies to your team. When all of that uncertainty is removed, the entire organization can function more effectively with less stress. It’s super stressful when people have to wonder, “What kind of leader is showing up today? What am I going to get on this project?” It’s unnecessary stress.
When it comes to figuring out your leadership style and philosophy, much of the work involves identifying your values, which drive everything in your life—personally and professionally. How do you use that to help leaders establish their style and philosophy?
Darren:
The way I approach it is through values. Without diving into all the details, I’ll admit I’m a little embarrassed because I’m not sure where our values assessment lives now after the website updates. But we have a tool structured to remove personal bias when ranking values.
In a one-on-one setting, the assessment helps you choose between value pairs, for example, “Value 1 or Value 2?” “Value 1 or Value 3?” and so on. By the end, you get an unbiased ranking of your top values—usually the top five, give or take. From there, we define these values in your own words and examine how they show up in your work and life.
We explore how your actions and decisions honor, respect, or align with these top values—or don’t. This helps you see the connection between your values and your leadership. If my explanation seems a bit unclear, I promise you it works. Anecdotally, I’ve seen countless leaders have “aha” moments during this exercise. They realize how their values influence their actions, and they become better able to articulate who they are, why they are that way, and how it shapes their leadership style.
Rachel:
I once had a coach tell me, “Decisions are easy when you’re clear on your values.”
Darren:
Mmm.
Rachel:
And that hit me hard. I realized that all the indecision, overthinking, and stress I was experiencing came from not aligning with my core values. I was stressed out, unfulfilled, burned out, crabby, skipping the gym, gaining weight, and losing muscle—all because I was in conflict with my values.
This doesn’t just impact your leadership style or organization; it affects your life. That’s something I emphasize with my clients—values drive everything. If you’re unclear on them, now is the time to figure them out.
You and I often talk about the trickle effect. This isn’t just about work—it’s about home life too. Who you are at home and at work should be consistent. Most people can’t maintain a double life, nor should they. By being clear on your values, you reduce indecision and all the downstream negative effects of going against them.
Darren:
Building on what you said about the trickle-down effect: we often use terms like “trickle-down leadership” or “cascading leadership.” These ideas are interchangeable. When senior leaders grow, their learning cascades to their teams and so on.
I’ve seen firsthand how a leader who identifies their values and integrates them into their leadership can teach the same to their direct reports. This creates a ripple effect throughout the organization, resulting in a more refined, high-performing team. It’s all about openly discussing values and beliefs, which fosters alignment and growth from the top down and bottom up.
Rachel:
It’s just like generational conditioning—what you learn from those modeling behavior around you. This isn’t just about work; it’s life. We don’t live in silos.
Figuring this out now impacts everything—marriages, relationships with kids, decisions about jobs or companies. The work isn’t hard, but it does require confidence to act on it. Some clients identify their core values and then realize their lives haven’t been built with those values as the foundation. That’s scary. But it’s better to know now than later.
When we talk about values and leadership philosophy, you must communicate them. Transparency lets others know your playbook and boundaries.
Rachel:
That leads to another topic we have in our notes: “Speak the unspoken.” Transparency breeds trust. How do you coach that?
Darren:
What I’ve found—whether with clients, friends, or family—is that many of us live in our own heads, with endless internal chatter. Often, this chatter gets louder when we have unanswered questions, which I call “the unspoken.”
The unspoken includes things like: “What are my values?” “How do I earn trust?” “Am I doing a good job?” or “Am I a good leader?” The antidote is simple: say the thing.
If you’re unsure about something, say it. If you’re figuring out your leadership style, values, or boundaries, speak them. Let your team know what you care about, how you show up, and what you expect. Leadership isn’t about dictating; it’s about openly communicating and agreeing on shared values and goals.
Rachel:
But that’s scary, right? Speaking your values and being transparent can feel terrifying. Personally, I get nervous—I feel hot, my stomach tightens, and I might twitch my foot. Fear can stop people from speaking up. They choose to obey that fear rather than acknowledge it and still say the thing.
Have you seen this in your coaching?
Darren:
A little less so with my clients compared to yours, but we’ve discussed this. When someone debates whether to speak up, I ask: “What values are you honoring by staying silent? And what values would you honor by speaking up?” Values become a barometer, not just a pros-and-cons list.
As leaders, you have an obligation to speak up—to peers, senior leaders, and direct reports. This doesn’t mean being dictatorial or berating others, but leadership requires open communication. If someone is unwilling to speak up, we explore what’s happening with their values.
Rachel:
Sometimes, it’s not just about values—it’s about past experiences. Fear often stems from past events that make people hesitant to speak. Coaching involves examining those experiences and determining what needs to change for better results moving forward.
This is deeper work. Tools, practices, and hacks are surface-level solutions. But without addressing the foundation—identifying cracks, rebuilding walls—you’re not truly growing. This isn’t just about leadership at work; it’s about leading in life.
Darren:
Well said. It’s the truth.
Rachel:
Okay, do you have anything else to add about the trust piece?
Darren:
Well, we haven’t even gotten to trust yet. We were still talking about “speaking the unspoken.”
Rachel:
I’m totally ahead of the game.
Darren:
Yes, you are.
Rachel:
Clearly, I’m eager to get to number five: “Bitch or Bimbo.”
Darren:
Hahaha!
Rachel:
All right, back to “speak the unspoken.” For me, it starts with recognizing what’s coming up internally. Why do I feel this way? Why am I nervous? Why am I scared? Often, it ties back to something in my past. Once you identify the root cause—root cause, root cause, root cause—you can address it.
Here’s what I think: when you’ve done that work and communicated your findings, you learn to trust yourself.
When you trust yourself to deliver hard messages and understand the reasons behind your behaviors—whether they align or misalign with how you want to behave—it creates trust within yourself and with your team. You talk a lot about trust in your coaching. What does the trust piece mean to you?
Darren:
It’s broad, isn’t it? I often start with external trust: how much do I trust someone else? How do they erode or repair my trust? But I tend to overlook self-trust.
If I reflect on my history, I could always trust that I would lose my temper in corporate settings. Knowing that, I often didn’t speak up, which went against some of my core values. There’s give and take there.
Recently, I’ve had clients who unknowingly ran “secret trust experiments.” They would lay traps—asking leading questions, withholding information, or testing to see if someone’s natural responses would earn or erode their trust.
Rachel:
That doesn’t make atomic sense. Honestly, it sounds kind of messed up. And I’m sure I’ve done it too, which is probably why it rubs me the wrong way.
Darren:
Right, it’s something we all do at times.
What I’ve coached clients on recently is defining what trust means to them. How do people earn your trust? How do they erode it? How do you repair trust when it’s broken? And most importantly, communicate that. It’s the same principle as “speak the unspoken.”
One client was running these secret trust experiments with a contractor who repeatedly failed. Over time, my client’s trust in that contractor was completely gone. No matter what the contractor did, they couldn’t regain trust. Whenever there was doubt, my client assumed malicious intent or incompetence, but the contractor was never explicitly told what was expected.
After we worked together, my client approached the next contractor differently. She outlined exactly how to earn her trust—what quality of work she expected, the scope of tasks, and how often she wanted communication. She also explained how trust could be eroded, like cutting corners, submitting subpar work, or providing misleading status updates.
It sounds simple, but these clear expectations made a huge difference. The relationship with the new contractor was significantly better. Even when small trust infractions occurred, they were addressed in the moment, building trust steadily instead of eroding it.
Rachel:
Hmm. I just had this thought about the correlation between leadership style and personal life. A lot of relationships don’t have the depth of conversation and clarity needed.
You and I aren’t exempt. We’ve had trust issues in our relationship that we’ve had to work through. I had to learn to trust myself and stay true to my values to communicate with you when you might have been breaking them, or when I needed to set guidelines for participating in my life.
This is a big one because trust encompasses everything in your life.
What I see with my clients is a lack of internal trust.
Rachel:
They’re not trusting themselves to follow through on what they say they’ll do or to make bold moves. And I’m not just talking about leadership—I work with leaders, but this applies to their health and personal lives too.
Trusting yourself to make bold moves, advocate for yourself, and speak up when necessary—it’s so much deeper than just saying, “I’m a leader, and this is how we’ll work together based on trust.” Trust always has to start internally, in my opinion.
Where are you not trusting yourself? Even with micro infractions, like saying you’ll work out but skipping the gym, or saying you won’t respond to emails at 4 a.m. but doing it anyway. Are you constantly violating your own trust? If so, how can you expect anyone else to trust you? How can you have a reciprocal relationship with yourself and others if your actions don’t align with your words?
Integrity and congruence are core values for me. That’s how I coach the trust piece—trust yourself first.
Rachel:
Anything else on that?
Darren:
No.
Rachel:
You’re really keeping me on track today. Forty-five minutes.
Darren:
You?
Rachel:
I’m going to win your trust by staying on track for 45 minutes and no more.
All right, let’s talk about this “bitch or bimbo” concept. Going back to the group of women I run with—though it’s not just them—there’s this belief or perception: if you lead one way, you’re a “bitch,” but if you lead another, you’re a “bimbo.”
It’s not as linear as those two terms, but the fear of how others perceive you as a leader—too soft, too aggressive, or too anything—creates a problem. Women shape-shift constantly, trying to manage how others see them.
This gets women into trouble. There’s still a sense of being “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” in the workforce. Many women end up in this narrow lane of vanilla—not too much of anything. But that means they’re just a watered-down version of themselves, without taking a bold, authentic stance.
How does this show up with your clients?
Darren:
Honestly, it doesn’t show up much with my clients.
The men and women I work with don’t seem to waver much on who they are as leaders. However, one female leader I worked with did experience challenges when she rose to senior ranks.
It was a “what got you here won’t get you there” situation. She exhibited behaviors that were seen as defensive and argumentative. While it wasn’t about being a “bitch” or “bimbo” per se, she was self-sabotaging.
The problem was that no one in her organization gave her specific feedback or examples of when she came across as defensive or argumentative. She recognized it internally, though—she’d feel her skin get red, her chest get hot, and her fists clench, ready to fight. These reactions were visceral, almost automatic, triggered by certain situations.
Most of my clients, however, are confident in their leadership identity. Their challenges are more about managing anger, defensiveness, or lashing out.
Rachel:
I agree. Emotional regulation is necessary in any setting, professional or otherwise.
Where things get tricky is when women are more concerned with how others perceive them than being confident in who they are. Women are often perceived differently in the workforce than men. I’m generalizing, but it’s a reality.
What I see is this: women feel they “can’t” be a certain way because of how others might judge them. Over time, they lose touch with who they are. They override their emotions so often—emotions that drive our actions—that they become disconnected, all to manage everyone else’s perceptions.
Rachel:
This doesn’t work long-term. It’s not sustainable. It leads to burnout, exhaustion, and even toxic work environments—ones they might be contributing to.
I coach my clients to accept that they’re being judged—everyone is judging everyone else. But if you spend all your energy trying to accommodate others, you’ll become inefficient and stagnant as a leader. It’s not enjoyable, and it often has health consequences: weight gain, hormonal imbalances, autoimmune issues—it’s all connected.
So, I coach my clients to do the work we’ve talked about today, then go out and run experiments. Practice. Evaluate how it feels and iterate, always staying true to your values.
You’ll never win by trying to meet someone else’s standards. It’s more important to like yourself for who you are than for others to like you for who you’re not.
Darren:
That’s a sound bite.
Rachel:
I’ve been there and done that—it wasn’t fun.
Okay, so we’re going to wrap up because I’m building trust by staying on track for 45 minutes, as you clearly communicated was important.
Next week, what are we talking about?
Darren:
Next week, we’re going strategic.
Rachel:
Right. January 28th, I think. We’re going to discuss the exact tools we use with our clients—tangibles you can implement immediately. It’s almost like free-ish coaching.
We’ll give you a behind-the-scenes look at how we work with clients and the tools you can take or leave. Please also check out thekanthalgroup.com to support our SEO.
See you all next week!
Darren:
See you next Tuesday.
